Thirty Minute Thoughts: Availability vs Capacity

30 minutes of ruminating during my morning coffee.

“Are you busy?”, “What are you up to?” or “Can you chat?”

Seemingly innocent questions, and yet... it’s a weird paradox. Because you might not be busy, or up to literally nothing, and technically yes you can chat, however... can you really? Just because I have the time doesn’t mean I have the space in my psyche.

I struggled with this a lot. Wanting to show up for my friends, I used to pride myself on being the go-to for a lot of my friends. When something was wrong: Call Jara! It gave me great joy and made me feel closer to my community of people. But on more than one occasion I was walking on thin mental ice. It’s not that I couldn’t deal with the things they were telling me. I do this for a living, you’d be hard pressed to find something that would shock or throw me. But it’s still a lot, there’s so much energy that goes into being there for someone, and we don’t always have that energy to spare.

I’ve learned there is a key distinction between availability and capacity. Generally when I have neither it’s an easy answer. Sometimes I’m available but I don’t actually have the mental/emotional capacity, which means I walk away drained and exhausted, possibly with no time to rest now before the next thing on the agenda arrives.

Sometimes I have capacity but don’t actually have availability - this one is tough. And often where I can sometimes feel a pang of regret. I know I could hold this, I WANT to be to one that gets to show up. But I only have 5min before my next session or I’m in a place where I can’t pick up the phone.

Of course when availability and capacity show up together holding hands like a couple in love, it’s the sweet spot. The perfect combination of things. A beautiful experience.

These are my maybe moments. The times where I use my “I’ll let you know in a moment” most often. Because too many times I’ve confused capacity with availability, and they are not synonyms.

I think we need to normalize the “I don’t have capacity right now.” Make it just as regular as “I don’t have time right now.” Gives ourselves a change to recognize that if someone says the former to us it’s not insulting, it’s not that they don’t care, but they are prioritizing their own care.

To use the analogy from yesterday, they’re putting their oxygen mask on first. Because how can we really show up for someone if we’re totally depleted.

I’m aware this is nuanced, and to clarify, I still love being there for my friends, however I AM a lot more selfish with my time. And admittedly, I’m becoming weirdly proud of being particular about my time. Maybe this is why it feels like a paradox to me , because I’m proud so many see me as their go-to person, but I’m also proud that I have created somewhat of a moat.... hmm.. maybe not the best analogy. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t just give away my time because I’m available. The capacity meter is now just as important as the availability meter.

Thanks for reading my morning coffee journal thoughts.
If you have some in response, leave them below, I’d love to hear them!

✌🏼