Far Lands, Familiar Faces
On community, connection, and being seen.
I recently returned from a trip to Portugal. Not your standard vacation. For most of the trip I was at a festival with a group of around 60 friends. The first day of the festival also happened to be my 40th birthday. It was absolute chaos and absolute perfection at the same time, one of those trips that feels like it changes your whole perspective on life afterwards. Absolutely zero percent of my regular life could be found in the daily experiences of being away. When I say it was chaos, I’m not kidding:
There was less than 0 routine to speak of
There was no cell-service
which meant there was no social media
No staying in touch with anyone who wasn’t there with me
There was very little sitting
And even less sleep
37k + (dance) steps a day
Outside of the 2-3 hours of sleep every moment was spent outdoors
There was 0 quiet / personal time
Macros? what are macros?
I was probably dehydrated for 5 days straight
Since my return, things have felt like they are happening faster and more is being accomplished than previously. I’m getting more done in a day, client sessions seem to be more powerful, I’ve finally put into practice things I’ve been avoiding for months, I have doubled down on business, and I am finally clear on some questions I’ve had around my future.
It may not seem like a big deal, but I’ve been struggling with exactly this for a couple months now, while also putting off self-processing and working with a coach to solve the problem of being stuck. (Yes, I’ve always had to laugh at the irony of being able to help others solve the problem while being stuck myself, and also having the tools and the network/professionals that can help, but until you’re ready nothing will happen.)
On Wednesday I wrote an article on the science behind why being away contributes to the shifts that have happened since. I can probably write 3 different articles with studies I’ve collected over time that would all relate to different aspects of this vacation and how they would result in the changes I’m seeing since being back. I could delve into the neurological and the psychological effects of things like disrupting routine, travel, how we perceive time, etc. But as I was falling asleep last night I had a moment of wondering “is that really the point?”
No, that is not the point. At least not of this week’s reflections.
This week it’s the community of people that takes the front seat. The friends I was with, the other 1900 people at the festival, the DJs, the artists, the kids... It’s these people, the laughter, the playfulness and joking around, but also the depth of the conversations, the tears, the hugs, the processing in real time as intimate questions were asked.
In the western world we live in such a culture of needing to make it on our own. Of being independent, strong, being open yet not overly emotional. And yet, is this really serving us? I’m not saying the pendulum needs to swing entirely the opposite direction, but have we lost a little bit of the balance between independence and interdependence?
Have we discarded the idea that we can remain whole, self-sufficient, and accountable while still relying on and affecting and depending on one another? Allowing our actions and well-being to influence others AND vice versa?
I find more and more there seems to be this paradox of only wanting to show our best self and avoid all cringe and embarrassment, but also wanting to be seen, really known for exactly who we are without judgement.
I’ve heard it often said that while we are the most connected we’ve ever been as humanity, we seem to also be the most lonely. And it’s also a studied fact that loneliness is terrible for your health, as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
So, while temporary stints of pulling away and being more of a hermit can be powerful, what really creates change and clarity, and supports healing and overall mental/emotional health is a close-knit community of people who are and want to be present. Who want to share in the breadth and depth of life. Who aren’t scared to ask the “inappropriate” question and not judge whatever the answer is, while in the very next moment are rolling on the floor laughing with you at some ridiculousness.
I know that none of this is shocking news. But in recent years, I’ve noticed a recurring theme of loneliness in client sessions. And when we dive into it, it’s not that they don’t have friends. It seems to be that they don’t KNOW their friends, nor are they KNOWN by their friends. There is always a mask to be worn, a reputation to manage, a secret to keep. And yet... when it comes to experiencing love and connection... it seems everything we desire is on the other side of removing the masks and being accepted in our nakedness. Even when opinions differ. This experience of social and emotional safety opens up a whole new realm of our being and our minds.
So what I’m saying is, we all desire to be deeply known, so how can you bring a new level of openness to your relationships? Even if it’s just starting with one.